April 26, 2009

just. breathe.

Posted in Uncategorized at 3:22 pm by meldee

One wishes to be still, one wishes to be free.

Canon EOS Kiss, Bukit Tabur, Melawati, Kuala Lumpur.


It’s been hectic for the past few weeks. You have no idea!

I remember overhearing my colleagues talking about how it’s a bad sign when you start off blog posts with apologies for not having blogged–one colleague rubbished this saying it’s a person’s prerogative to blog. I suppose I agree to some extent; the other part of me feels bad. But I feel bad about everything so often I guess it’s just me!

Some brief updates. I’m settling into my new job (as an ‘Assistant Producer’, sounds ambiguous hey? I basically produce content for a news site–writing, editing audio, uploading pictures), the routine and the demands–I won’t lie, it’s been rough going. For several reasons, of course–but mainly, I imagine it’s because I’ve always wanted to be a journalist; I built up this image in my head, and it’s almost nothing like what I expected it to be.

Of course it’s challenging and you never know what each day brings, but it’s also frustrating when you can’t even meet up with your parents whom you’ve not seen in over a month simply because you’re busy, or so worn out you’re passed out in bed by 9pm–yes, even on weekends!

I’ve also found it rough not having time to myself, to just do the things I like doing, like lazing in bed with a book (that doesn’t happen to be related to politics, or how to be a better writer, or other serious stuff!), writing for the pure joy of it, or spending hours on Skype with T–but I guess those are luxuries I should’ve known I’d have to give up at some point or another.

Another challenging thing about the job is the fact that there’s SO MUCH out there to know! It seems so ‘duh’ but hot damn there really is a lot to learn, from issues that have been plaguing the country or companies for the last 20 years, to latest developments by the hour. There’s also so many techniques to try out, a format to follow, and of course, the incredibly tough task of finding my voice. I’m also mentally structuring blog posts in my head–argh! 

The thing about me is that I don’t always know what I want, from life, or work–I think I am quite easy-going and will flow in whatever direction I’m taken in–but I do know what I don’t want. I am quite certain about that. While I’m still discovering what I don’t want, I’m also marveling at the things that I never thought I wanted but am enjoying (to differing degrees) all the same–like writing about politics! Haha. It’s really daunting, I won’t lie–but at the same time it’s new, and I like new things!

Anyhoo, cryptic work-speak aside, I am trying to maintain some semblance of a life outside the office–I think I haven’t reached the levels of ‘officetication’ (as opposed to ‘domestication’) some of my colleagues have! I meet up regularly with my girls (and guys) on Fridays after work, where we all bitch and gripe about work and make fun of each other 😛 The weekends are of course devoted to the kids at the shelter, some weekend events that are vaguely work-related, and regular household things like chores or bringing my gran out grocery shopping.

Speaking of the kids at the shelter, I am in complete awe. Just yesterday I realised how much they’ve all grown–as we have–they are older, taller, more talkative, more quiet, more contemplative, more complex. It’s been two years since we first met the kids, and they’ve become part of my life–I feel old now! 

A dear friend has also just given birth to a healthy and beautiful baby boy last week. She’s overseas now, but I can’t wait to see her and the baby. We’ve been in and out of touch for several months, and it would be good to catch up and hear about what’s changed and what hasn’t. 

Hearing about friends getting married and having babies has of course set me off–by now I’m sure you would have gathered that I am engaged to be married (but when, is the million-dollar question! LOL! That’s what you get when you have two Pisceans in a relationship–you know that you’re meant to be together but the mudane details escape you. Like the question of being in different countries and time zones!). I admit I do want to set up house and those things, but at the same time I want to do so much more!

Ah, me. Always so impatient. And that’s the thing I’m trying to remind myself of now–to just breathe, take each moment as I live it. You always want what you can’t have–it’s part of being human, I gues–but like I said, while I don’t know what I want I do know what I don’t want.

And I don’t want to be one of those people who forget the simple pleasures and joys that make life truly worth living, just for the sake of money and prestige. Ha! What an odd position for a supposedly hard-nosed inquisitive journo-type person to be taking.

 But this is me–all of me that is idealistic and romantic and emotional– and I am happiest when I am me, as complex and confusing as I am. While some things can be dissected and analysed to death, I think I like knowing or feeling that others can’t be–it makes me feel more human in times when I can’t even remember to breathe.