Have sunk to levels of low beyond low with regards to depression and general all-round feelings of deflated-ness.

But though it all I try to comfort myself knowing that I’ve made a major sacrifice and am mature enough to reach a compromise with the people I love most. This step has been the hardest, ever, so far. But I also have to admit I have been selfish, and childish, so I’m trying to grow up and be brave about it.

I’m not happy about it though, of course.

The one thing I’ve been striving for all year, ever since I got on the plane there to come home, has been the faith that we will see each other again.

No, I’m not going to Melbourne after all. (if you haven’t already deduced as much, I shall spell it out)

Don’t ask me why, or laugh at me and say ‘I told you so’, or worst of all, leave pitying comments for me, anywhere. Please. It’s hard enough swallowing this harsh reality as it is. Encouraging comments…*sigh* if you really must, and thank you though; I’m not trying to be ungrateful or anything but just after all the hope I’ve been building up, the plans, the things, the people…too many reminders, too many disappointments It’s all come crashing down now and I feel like somebody’s jabbed me with a giant needle and let all the air, hopes, dreams come gushing out.

But I take solace in the fact that this only affirms the fact how much we want to be together and care for each other, that if such hurdles can be faced head-on and dealt with as gracefully as possible, we can and will be able to make it through much tougher times because God knows, there will be many.

I am heartbroken, but what doesn’t kill only makes one stronger.

And yes, I have already gotten my ticket. Yes, everything was planned out and paid for. Even his parents knew of our plans. Yes, I know, Phantom *closes eyes and takes deep calming breath*. Fourth time’s the charm, maybe? Four’s always been my lucky number.

Four. Sei. Die.

Exactly what I feel like curling up into a ball and doing right this very second.